


Choices

by anonymwlw



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode: s05e05 The Disir, Fix-It, Gen, Magic Revealed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:36:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22151896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymwlw/pseuds/anonymwlw
Summary: Merlin's and Arthur's conversation in 05x05 "The Disir" takes a different course (aka Merlin gives a different answer).Mostly POV Merlin, except for a small part near the end.
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 139





	Choices

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first fic I ever actually finished and the first one I'm posting to Ao3.  
> Comments are VERY welcome.  
> I wrote this as a one-shot with only minor edits and English isn't my first language, so if there's anything wrong with my spelling or grammar, don't hesitate to tell me.  
> 

"So what should we do?” Arthur asked, his eyes fixed on Merlin. „Accept magic, or let Mordred die?"

So this was it then. The next words Merlin spoke would shape the future, would decide the fate of Camelot, of _Arthur_. Arthur might call him a fool on a daily basis, but both of them knew he didn't truly believe it. They both knew that Arthur would listen to Merlin , no matter which choice he made now.

Merlin let out a laugh, albeit a bitter one. Of course it was down to him to make the hard choices, again. As if he hadn't had enough of those for a lifetime. Had it been any of the other knights to throw themselves in front of Arthur, the choice would have been easy: Legalize magic, save the knight, return home with a brighter future ahead for all of Camelot. Because for Merlin, magic being legal wouldn't have been a price to pay but an added bonus.

But it wasn't just any knight lying back home in Camelot, on the brink of death. It was Mordred, the one who was destined to kill Arthur, whom Merlin had _seen_ plunge a sword into Arthur's chest. He had spared Mordred's life once before and as a result of that, he was now a knight of Camelot, in the perfect position to strike the moment Arthur turned his back on him. He couldn't show mercy on him again if he wanted to stop the vision from becoming reality.

On the other hand, Mordred hadn't shown any sign of treachery so far. On the contrary, he looked up to Arthur, did everything he could to protect him, had been ready to die for him. Would die for him, if Arthur decided not to legalize magic. He couldn't very well let that happen to someone like that, could he?

Yes, he could. He had to, if he wanted to save Arthur. No knight, no matter how brave and loyal, was more important to him than Arthur. No one was. Merlin himself had been ready to give his own life for Arthur more than once. A decision between Arthur's life and his own happiness was no decision at all. But still –

The clearing of a throat made him start. Arthur was still looking at him expectantly. He had to give him an answer, now, and it had to be the right one. Still, he remained silent.

Arthur's brow creased with an expression of concern.

„Are you alright, Merlin?”

Merlin realized with a shock that tears were gathering in his eyes. Damn it. Everything he had dreamed of since he arrived in Camelot all those years ago was finally within his reach, _Arthur was considering accepting magic_ , but still, he couldn't have it. He took a deep, shuddering breath.

„I can't do this, Arthur. I can't make that decision.”

It wasn't a good answer and it was bound to raise more questions sooner or later, but it was all he could do at the moment.

But of course, Arthur wasn't satisfied. He leaned back, eyes narrowing as he watched Merlin.

„Why?”

Many possible answers, all of them lies or half-truths, came to Merlin on the spot. He was ready to say them with the ease of someone to whom lying has become a second nature, who has had to lie for years to save his own skin. _Oh, I don't know, maybe because it is your decision? Because this is a knight and the future of Camelot we're talking about? Because you're the damn king of Camelot and I can't decide things like that for you?_ He was ready to say the words, let the lies slip of his tongue like they had done so many times before, but he found that he couldn't do it. He was tired, so tired. Why couldn't destiny find someone else's shoulders to rest on for a while?

„I just can't. Not right now.”

That feeble attempt to postpone the conversation didn't convince Arthur. Of course it didn't. He might be a prat, but he was no more a fool than Merlin was.

„You do realize that we only have a few hours left until dawn, right?”

Merlin just stared into the flames of their small campfire.

„I'll never understand you, Merlin. You never hesitated to give me your opinion before. In fact, I distinctly remember you telling me what I should do when I explicitly said I did not want your opinion.”

When there was no response, he shook his head and sighed.

„You know I actually value your input, right? Even when I didn't want to hear it, you were so often right, about so many things. And now, when I ask you for your advice -” Another sigh. „I just wish you would tell me what's going on inside that strange head of yours.”

Another pause.

Merlin bit his lip. The temptation was there. After all, just a few minutes ago Arthur had suggested of his own volition that magic might be more than just an evil to be erased, like Uther had believed. He trusted Merlin, was in his own way concerned for him, even if he might phrase it differently. If there was a right time to tell Arthur, surely this was it?

Then another thing came to mind. He had lied to Arthur for years now, hidden part of who he was. How would Arthur react when he found out his best friend had been keeping something so monumental from him? Even if Arthur accepted his magic, no matter how good Merlin's reasons were, Arthur would be hurt that he hadn't trusted him sooner. Selfish as it may be, Merlin didn't want to lose his best friend like that, didn't want to lose the trust placed in him.

Merlin risked a glance at Arthur. He was scrutinizing him again, brow furrowed in deep thought, and Merlin realized that there was no winding his way out of this one. Arthur knew something was going on, something more than just the choice the Disir had given him. If he didn't tell Arthur now, he would realize there was something he was keeping from him. Sooner or later, he would figure it out and surely lose all trust in Merlin he might still have left by that time.

No, it was too late to keep his secret much longer. The only choice Merlin had was to tell him now and maybe not lose Arthur entirely, or to wait for Arthur to find out by himself. In short, no choice at all.

Merlin knew what he had to do. He took a deep breath. All at once chest felt heavy and he had to remind himself to keep breathing, keep pumping air in and out of his lungs. He felt his heart beating in his throat and the blood seemed to have drained from his hands. But his mind was made up. He pushed the words out.

„Arthur, there is something I need to tell you. Something you don't know about me.”

His voice was strangely steady, although his hands were trembling. He brought them to his legs, gripping tightly. No need for Arthur to see that . Arthur lifted his head slightly, a sign that he was listening, but he didn't speak. Merlin was grateful. He needed to get this over with, now that he had started. He stared into the fire.

„I have magic.”

Another deep breath. It was out there now, the weight lifted off his chest, but his heartbeat didn't calm down. He looked at Arthur, hesitant to meet his eyes.

Arthur was dumbstruck, his expression a mix of surprise and confusion. Merlin swallowed. Clearly, this would need a bit more of an explanation. Taking advantage of Arthur's momentary silence, Merlin started talking again. It was easier now, like his confession had broken a dam in his mind that had been holding back everything he had wanted to tell Arthur over the years, every truth that had to be hidden away and covered up with lies.

„I've had magic for as long as I can remember, since I was born, according to my mother. That's why she sent me to Camelot, to Gaius, so he could teach me how to control and use my magic for good. Well, in the beginning he didn't want me to use it at all, because of the ban, but you kept getting yourself into trouble, so what was I supposed to do?”

He gave a small laugh, but seeing Arthur's unchanged expression, he quickly turned serious again.

„I only use my magic for you, Arthur. You have to believe that. Watching over you, keeping you safe all these years. And I wanted to tell you. So many times, I wanted to tell you. But I saw what Uther was doing to people he believed to be sorcerers. And afterwards – I could never be sure of what you would do. I couldn't risk it , as much for my sake as for yours.”

He paused, gave Arthur some time to process. After some time, Arthur cleared his throat.

„You really thought I would've had you killed?”

The look in his eyes was that of hurt more than betrayal, something Merlin thought he understood. He hadn't placed as much trust in Arthur as Arthur had in him. Perhaps he hadn't given Arthur enough credit. Perhaps.

„Well, what would you have done? After you had become the king?”

„I don't know.”

Arthur seemed surprised by his own answer.

„I honestly don't know what I would have done. I don't know what I should do now.”

„And I didn't want to put you in that position. To have to choose between your father's laws and me – you shouldn't have to do that. I'm sorry I'm forcing you to do that now, but with the Disir… you need to be able to make an informed decision.”

Arthur looked at Merlin with wonder in his eyes.

„ _That's_ what you were worried about? Not your own life but me having to choose?”

Merlin gave a shrug.

„Your cells aren't that hard to break out of. If it had come to it, I could have fled Camelot.”

He looked up at the sky. It was still pitch black, but it wouldn't be long before it would start to brighten in the east – and they had until dawn.

„Listen, you can ask me all the questions you want when we go home again and then you can decide what to do with me, I don't care about that, but you need to make a decision soon. There's still something you need to know.”

Arthur crossed his arms in front of his chest and his expression hardened a little.

„I assume you want me to lift the ban on magic?”

„Arthur, there is nothing I want more than that, but this isn't about me. It's about you and – well, you and Mordred.”

„What?”

„There is a prophecy about you. It says that you will one day return magic to the land, unite Albion and rule over it with me by your side. The Once and Future King, they call you.”

„So you _do_ want me to legalize magic.”

„I wasn't finished. There is another prophecy. It says that you won't get to do all that, that you will _die_! At the hands of – of…”

His voice broke, but Arthur understood him anyway.

„Mordred?”

Merlin nodded. He wiped away the tears now gathering in his eyes.

„I saw it, too. In a vision a druid sorcerer showed me. There was a great battle and you and Mordred fought and – and he stabbed you.”

He looked up at Arthur, who was now staring at him, shock and disbelief written clearly on his face.

„I can't let that happen, Arthur. I just can't. And if that means that you won't make magic legal, then I can live with that.”

He let out a breath. He had said his piece, now it was Arthur's turn to talk. But Arthur didn't speak. Instead, he continued staring at Merlin with a half-opened mouth, like he was at a loss for words, which, considering the amount of information Merlin had just dumped on him, was probably the case. Finally, he sat up straighter, seeming to gather himself for the moment.

„That's why you've been so suspicious of Mordred, then.”

It wasn't a question, more the stating of a fact, but Merlin nodded anyways.

„That has been something I was wondering about. You always seem to get along with people, but Mordred – it's like you never even gave him a chance.”

„I did, a long time ago. Do you remember that little Druid boy you helped us save all those years ago?”

Arthur's eyes widened in shock as the realization hit him.

„I was warned about him back then, but I thought he deserved a chance. Then he showed up, years later, and I wasn't so sure anymore. It was one thing sending him out into the world, but him being in the castle, right by your side – that's something entirely different.”

„So is he a sorcerer, too?”

It was a simple question, but to Merlin, who had heard Arthur speak that word with contempt so many times before, it could as well have been a punch in the gut. Is that what Arthur saw him as now? Just another sorcerer?

„Yes, he is. And he knows I am, too.”

„Has he ever tried to harm me?”

That wasn't a question Merlin had expected.

„What?”

„Well, I thought if you were keeping me safe from assassination attempts and such, and if you were suspicious of Mordred, you would know if he had ever tried anything.”

Ah, so that's where this conversation was going.

„He hasn't done or attempted anything. Yet.” He added as an afterthought.

„So you're asking me to ignore your well-being to condemn a man to death who has, to your knowledge, never attempted to harm me, is that it?”

Merlin closed his eyes.

„It's not that simple.”

„Isn't it?”

„I was warned about Morgana too.” If he was going to tell the truth from now on, he might as well put that out there as well. „Before she switched sides, I was warned she would turn against Camelot, against you . I ignored the warnings and look where it has gotten us. Now she is your greatest threat!”

Arthur looked pained, like every time his half-sister was mentioned.

„So far, Mordred has been a loyal, if sometimes a little naive, knight of Camelot. I cannot condemn him to death over something he _might_ do in the future.”

„But I _saw_ -”

„You _saw_ a vision, nothing more. That is not something I will base my judgment on. What I _do_ base my judgment on is what has already happened. Mordred was willing to sacrifice his life for me. Letting him die now, when I have the power to stop it would be faithless.

„Something that I now realize has also already happened is you putting your life on the line for me. I don't know how many times you have saved my life, saved _Camelot_ , without taking any credit. How often have I battled a creature, passed out and woken up to you telling me I killed it? How many times did you know how to lift a curse? Not to mention all the times you gave me counsel that helped me save my kingdom!”

Arthur smiled at Merlin, whose turn it was now to gape in disbelief.

„I believe it is time you got your reward.”

Merlin sat there, too happy for words, but still a part of him could not, would not believe he was hearing right.

„Arthur, are you saying what I think you're saying?”

„Yes, you idiot, I'm legalizing magic.”

His tone was annoyed, but his eyes betrayed him. Fondness, and slight amusement, were in them as Merlin scrambled to stand up, run around the fire and almost knock him over with the force of his hug.

„Thank you,” he murmured into Arthur's shoulder.

Arthur let it happen for longer than he usually would. Merlin had been through a lot. Just how much, he wouldn't know until they were able to discuss everything back in Camelot. And if he thought about it, maybe there were things Merlin wouldn't reveal even then, would perhaps never reveal, unless he absolutely had to.

Then Arthur clapped his hand on Merlin's back to signal he'd had enough. Merlin pulled back, tears in his eyes but a smile on his face which was wider than Arthur had ever seen before. Even that last corner of his mind who had still doubted his decision was silenced at that sight. Any decision that could make Merlin smile like that had to be a good one.

„Alright, enough of that,” he said and Merlin quickly wiped the tears away. His smile was still there, though.

„Sorry. It's just… a lot.”

„For you and me both.”

„Yeah.”

Arthur looked at Merlin from the side. He was still smiling, a big, goofy grin. In silence, they sat for a while. Then Merlin spoke up again.

„What about Mordred, then?”

„With magic being legalized, he won't need to hide it anymore. I will speak to him once we're back. Tell him that I know and that it's alright.”

He looked at Merlin.

„Maybe that'll solve it. Maybe the reason he killed me in that vision had something to do with magic, maybe I tried to kill him for it or something. Maybe he won't do anything to me.”

„Yeah, maybe.”

But Merlin wasn't convinced. It seemed to easy, too perfect a solution. Things never worked out like that for him.

Arthur seemed to guess the thoughts going around in Merlin's head.

„You can keep an eye on him, if you like.”

„Really?”

„Yes. But _tell_ me if there's something wrong. No more lies.”

Merlin nodded.

„No more lies.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> If you have the time, it would mean a lot if you left me a little bit of feedback in the comments.


End file.
